Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

cry laughing at this shit

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Cardio Made Easy

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

yeah not falling for this one

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer