Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK