BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
You Might Also Like
Truth or dare?
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
-Put on this ALF costume.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I estimate 70% of my work conversations are just me quoting made up statistics.
Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
Cuz that’s how I roll..
If the opposite of impossible is Possible & the opposite of immature is Mature, you can conclude that i’m a very Portant person to some.
*slips into milk bath* *starts drinking*
My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.
She learned to fight in prison.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools