@AshleyFrankly

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

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@tricycle_champ

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

@AndyAsAdjective

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

@Molly_Kats

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

@CatherineLMK

I estimate 70% of my work conversations are just me quoting made up statistics.

@Ellierocks2013

Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
Cuz that’s how I roll..

@NJPsychDoc

If the opposite of impossible is Possible & the opposite of immature is Mature, you can conclude that i’m a very Portant person to some.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.

She learned to fight in prison.

@SSgtTommyD

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

@SortaBad

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools