Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
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I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.
My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy?
Me: Of course.
My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you?
The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing
Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
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sorry this might take a while…