If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
That lamp looks PISSED.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
hey, alexa
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
#CoronaOutbreak
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.