Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

@ candidates for local office

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.