Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
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Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.