Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
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in 3 months
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
$4 #usedbooks
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️