Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*