Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catering service

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.