Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Bear
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”