Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

finally

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

I’m Sold!

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

Google reviews are always so mixed..

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

Husband of the year 😂