Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

Our lord and savoury.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

This story is comedy gold 😂

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.