Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY