Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
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I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again