@NotZaphod

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

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@trishm426

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

@Iwriteforcats

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

@ch000ch

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

@kyle_thatisall

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

@CoachChelley

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

@Boleyngirly

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

@GrantTanaka

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]