besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
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I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]