Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

I’m going to need a moment here.

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

my fav colour is also hitler

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”