Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
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God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭