Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

BETRAYAL

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.