Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

all that yoga finally paid off

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.