Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

This could’ve been an email.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?