Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.