My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
You Might Also Like
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Personal question. #JustSaying
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I falcon love using swear birds
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]