Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

Diabetes was the God of sugar.