Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

KFC hitting the cannibal market

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

There is no “we” in pizza

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah