Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Travel bloggers during quarantine

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

The old gods are rising again.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

This raises questions