Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
You Might Also Like
Alexa, make me look good naked.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.