Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
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[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
worst…sale…ever
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here