Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
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*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
OH. COME. ON.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.