@truegritrumble

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

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@thatdutchperson

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

@RedRegenerated

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

@_b1p0larbear

Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.

@junejuly12

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

@Spaziotwat

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

@PhilJamesson

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

@noog

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

@ThisLocalHater

To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?