ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
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me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
What in the hipster hell is going on here
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.