[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
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ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?