Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.