Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
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Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this