me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.