me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
You Might Also Like
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I love texting my boyfriend
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit