me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
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Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos