Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Doormats are a gateway rug.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
this made my day 😂
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order