Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what