Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

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GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it


interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla


Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts


A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.


George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.


me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help


If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they’re probably blacked out and just won’t remember I stole their car.


“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”


When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.


“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”