Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
me irl
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.