Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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“Can I help you find something?”
I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
ME: A restful night’s sleep sounds nice
BRAIN: Here’s a dream about an owl with teeth
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me