me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
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Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Great Canadian literature.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy