me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
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[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
live, laugh, laundry.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.