me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
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Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”