me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
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Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
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Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
With a text.
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No. YOU-buprofen.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect