Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
