Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
sin harder.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
