Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

Huge, if true.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours