me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
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[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!