Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

You deplete me

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR