Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

I never needed anything more in my life

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

This is my cat’s medicine.

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it