Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.