Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
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[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.