Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

this is so top tier i cant

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

I love you…

…r dog.

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email