Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Classic German Shepherd 😂

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery