Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.