Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Perfect.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
