Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Well well well…

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…