me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
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The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
what the hell girl, sure
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Mornin. * use accordingly
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.