me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
You Might Also Like
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
This guy gets it.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?