Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

This might be the funniest tweet ever

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

“That’s what” – She

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.