me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
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“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”