me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
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For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.