Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?