Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.