Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*