Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
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Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*