Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.