Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

Storm Tropical Storm

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.