Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
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Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
#SaturdayBears
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
My zodiac sign is pistachio
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
🤣
