Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
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I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Bruh
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Rather alarming headline…
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it