ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
