ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
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Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it