ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
A little too much information.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
