ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
pizza
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Labreador
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
