ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
You Might Also Like
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life