Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!