Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
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Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
When your best mate counts as a desk too
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me