Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
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I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
This fish is cracking me up
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off