Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.