Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.