Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

“I wouldn’t.”

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.